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2010 Directing my own life! Love it already! (EXPLICIT! entry can hit you!)

January 3rd, 2010 (03:20 pm)

current mood: cheerful

Happy 2010!

Serious I think that 2010 will be a good year.. I dont know why. But somehow I feel its gonna be a year of change.
The 2008-2009 were the years of political cracks, economical disasters, enviromental reality checks, social-cultural challenges.
To me, I think we needed these sour periods, to embrace the sweetness what will come later, starting in 2010.

For me 2009, was a strange year comparing to the Canada-adventure of  2007 and 2008. I had hoped I could go along with the ride, and did knew more by now about the immigration plan that I have.
But because of the economic fall back of 2008, I couldnt get any good jobs and paid my living not by getting a social-paycheck but by using my own expensive savings money! I cant live of a goverment paid social security check, I cant, if you want to immigrate, they also look into that one.. Also, I dont like the social security stuff, im healty, I can work, I have a good education etc..so why should I take it.. Doesnt look good on your resume either.

Anyway, also I wanted to get into the medical sector, still want to.. thats why I decided to sign up with the army again.. only the recruiting agency has placed me in the wrong sector..
I need medical, medical is my ticket to enter Canada and get a permanent visa, my bachelor of eduction degree isnt enough.
So change of carreer (step up the game as some of my friends say) is goal number 1 for 2010!

Looking back 2009, went very slow at the beginning, working out every day, living.. mwa not really my kind of living, as a saint, non drinking non smoking, non jobbing! but loads of training!
Well It got me into the army and it made me feel very fit..

What I missed most in 2009 was, my social life.. Living back home with your parents is pathetic in my opinion. So here is the second goal of 2010, MOVING OUT..
Still its hard to find a place, just because I dont know, where my carreer will be, if I'll stay in the army I still dont know what my location will be..there are huge chances I will hit the coast..so thats really another direction.. Or if I manage to get the job I really want, I have to move to another location.. See thats what is bugging me.. I need to get my own space again, but I dont know where and when!
But I do miss my independency.. Living back at home, is also be gone always.. not inviting peep's etc.
Dont get me wrong, Im thankful that I could live back home.. but I need a place of my own.. (even my mum looks for housing for me.. she wants me out as well.. haha)

I celebrated the holidays apart from Paul.. This says actually enough.. I even havent gave him the best wishes for 2010. I spoke with some of my friends last weeks, and every time I hear the same things... you and Paul arent ment to be, its not gonna work as a boy-girl-friendrelationship. So thats why I decided to take some time off..to cool things downs.
He has to make the decision about US and Future, in March..but I can tell you now, I have made the decision for him, we will not go together.. unless he shows and comes with very good arguments to do it together..
I dont want to comment muchon what is going on with Paul..but lets say this.. Paul saying one thing and meanwhile doing something(body) else..And expects from me to be a saint and that it is my fault we cant work on a future together because I work abroad..argg (much more in this story.. and no this hasnt anything to do with me and the co-story; action2reaction) 
So goal number three will be, more clearity about me and Paul status.. March 2010
But I will def go.. maybe I do am happy without him..

2005 I guess was the last real driving lesson I had.. so this year freaking 5 years later I have to fullfill this.. I need my licence now more than ever.. its pathetic! Goal number 4 2010 is Driving Licence..


This holiday I had some reality checks, thanks to my friends.
They all told me the same.. Also the friends I made in the army told me the same before the holiday started..
I have to step up the game.. I know this.. I mean, starting from 2004, I had very good jobs, and got paid very well.. in and outside the army/airforce.. I was a warrent-officer, I even went to the officers-academy before 2004, I was a historian and a teacher, I got to Cananda to gain more internatiol work experience.. But when I came back things changed.. yep also mainly because of the economic fall-back, but still, it was a fact, my resume got setback as well.. Thats why I didnt took social securtity money as well.. it doesnt look good when you have a history of that for your nxt boss etc.
The only job, a full contract unlimited, and paid eduction, I could do was > army..
This is where it goes wrong, just because Im placed in the wrong function.. thats why Im even for my feeling back back back back way back square one!  Its not even a stagnant carreer.. its just NO CARREER!
Also my buddies over there told me, as some high rank officers,> "get out of here, your doing your time and wasting your talents".. I know they are right.. I need a job where I can use my eductional level.. because now I feel like just a stupid employer who's owned by the company.. I use the be the company if you get my pic..
Thats what my friends said as well, your comming from a management type of background, not taking "orders"', but giving orders.. at the airforce, army and as a teacher.. you had responsible and respectful jobs. Still lived in my dorm (but yea come on I was only there at the weekends, cheap saving money) Even wanted to buy a house, steady relationship with Paul (yea we once had that), went 3 times a year on a holiday break (summer/winter and a weekend trip).. (yea now when I look back to that, thats just fucking disgraceful!)
Loads of friends, in and outside the army, yep but the majority doesnt live nearby anymore.. But yea, they're right, I led a very independent good happy life..

And only ME can get that back!

So yea, I need to step up the game and direct my own life again instead of let it directing me..
So 2010 I love YA and I will take the challenges and Oppertunities!

2010 DRABBLES (this is my mind talking, this is me, my opinion, so if you feel stigmatized or hurt.. im sorry but cant help it)

Its true, you can be dissatisfied about your own life, be angry and sad about the way things are going..
You can blame it on other people, you can blame it on yourself..
Even life, and the way things are going, can be a negative player to you...
You can cry your eyes out, for wanting to have another life, to do things differently,
In your dreams, you can picture yourself, beautiful, thin, succesful, and even popular..
And you ask yourself, why cant anybody see, picture me, as the person Iam in my dreams?
Its not a blog where the amount of your online friends match up on how succesful you are.. or fill in the emptyness of having a social-life...
Life is too good, life is awesome, life is full of chances, life is full of challenges, life is hard, life is too beautiful to be a benchsitter..
Life is now and yes it can be a bitch sometimes!
But when you look back, with or without your children, hopefully you can tell them, yourself, partner, friend etc, about your adventures, about your experiences, about your joys and sorrows, about your wins and your losses, about life itself.. instead of all the time you have wasted life away by sitting at home, staring at your pc screen, watching tv, making arguments about the most stupid things, comparing yourself with others who are in your eyes succesful or a even annoying to you, or waste life because you are even too fat to play, participate in life, because food has eaten you away.. Its not worth it..

                                          AND FOR THE WAY YOU WANNA LIVE IT!
                                          SO IF YOUR UNHAPPY, CHANGE IT!
                                    * LIFE IS NOW!*

I know these words can be knocking confronting.. But thats how it works with me.. I need to see that, need to have a reminder..
Still I have my head up high and and feel great, Welcome 2010, I will go out and play!

Take Care!